How the Blinch Stole Toastmasters!

By Peter Bunce

Peter Bunce's annual recital of his ingenious take-off on the Dr. Seuss classic, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, has become something of a tradition in Ernest Speakers.

Peter has graciously agreed to let us post his poem here. It may not be reprinted (or given as a speech) without permission of the author.

Enjoy Peter's ode to this holiday classic!

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Every True down in True-ville liked Toastmasters a lot...

But the Blinch, who lived just south of True-ville, did NOT!

The Blinch hated Toastmasters! The whole Toastmasters organization.

Now, don't ask why. No one quite has an explanation.

It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.

It could be, perhaps, that the news showed only blight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all

May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, his heart or the news,

He stood there brooding, hating the Trues,

Staring down from his hut with a bitter Blinchy frown

At the neat tidy houses below in their town,

Knowing every True in True-ville by the beach

Was busy now, preparing a Toastmaster speech!

"And they're hanging their banner!" he snarled with a sneer.

"Tomorrow's the meeting! It's practically here!"

Then he growled, with his Blinch fingers drumming,

"I MUST find some way to keep Toastmasters from coming!"

For tomorrow he knew... the officers and their president

Would go and rouse every True-ville resident.

They'd file into their Toastmaster meeting

Awaiting table topics and cream tarts for eating.

There would even be speakers competing!

The Blinch snorted and grumbled under his hat,

"They'll make a great racket! I won't stand for that!"

Then the Trues, old and young, would get up and speak.

And they'd SPEAK, SPEAK, SPEAK, SPEAK!

They'd speak for what would seem like a week

Surely symptomatic of a bunch of weirdo freaks!

And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!

All Trues down in True-ville, the short and the tall

Would busily write individual evaluations.

This certainly aroused his supreme exasperation!

As the Blinch pondered the Toastmasters organization,

The more deeply he craved its obliteration!

"Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!

I MUST stop Toastmasters from coming! ...But HOW?

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

THE BLINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Blinch laughed in his throat.

And he made a Dick Durant badge and a coat.

And he chuckled and clucked, "What a great Blinchy trick!

With this coat and this badge, I'll look just like old Dick!"

Then he loaded some bags and plotted his prank

In a ramshackle Ford while filling its tank.

Then the Blinch said, "Away!" and the Ford started down

Toward the homes where the Trues lay a-snooze in their town.

All their curtains were drawn. Dark quiet filled the air.

All the Trues were all dreaming sweet dreams without care

When he came to the first little house on the square.

"This is stop number one," the old Blinchy Dick hissed

And he picked open the door, empty bags in his fist.

The Trues' Distinguished Club Ribbons were hung in a row.

"These ribbons," the Blinch grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a gloating smile,

Snapping up Toastmaster trappings like a demonic crocodile!

Manuals! And bulletins! Timing lights! Pins!

Ballots! And programs! Toastmaster moccasins!

He filled his bags and dragged them across the floor,

Then the Blinch one by one threw them out the door.

He piled the bags into his Ford with a dreadful manner.

"And NOW!" grinned the Blinch, "I will tear down that banner."

The lectern and gavel were the last things he stole,

Leaving nothing to help the Trues reach their goal.

Then he did the same thing to the other Trues' places

And committed burglary and other disgraces.

It was a quarter past dawn... As the Trues still snored,

As the Trues still snoozed, he packed up his Ford,

Packed it up with the trophies! The ribbons! The flip charts!

The easels! And the pointers! The minutes! The cream tarts!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit,

He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!

"Pooh-Pooh to the Trues!" he was blinch-ish-ly humming,

"They're finding out now that no Toastmaster is coming!

"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!

"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two

"Then the Trues down in True-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!

"That's a noise," grinned the Blinch, "That I simply MUST hear!"

So he paused. And the Blinch put his hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the tide,

So low and quiet as the Trues walked outside...

But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!

It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at True-ville! The Blinch popped his eyes!

Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every True down in True-ville gave an invocation,

Joined in chorus for the pledge with inspiration,

Followed by thoughtful and earnest evaluation!

He HADN'T stopped Toastmasters from coming! THEY CAME!

Somehow or other they came just the same!

And the Blinch, with his blinch-feet atop of the hill,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: "Why would they come still?

"They came without ribbons! They came without pins!

"They came without banners or Toastmaster moccasins!"

And he puzzled some time till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Blinch thought of something he hadn't before

"Maybe Toastmasters," he thought, "need no District Store.

"Maybe their organization... perhaps... means a little bit more!"

And what happened then? Well... in True-ville they say

That the Blinch's small heart grew three sizes that day!

And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,

He drove with his load through the bright morning light

And he brought back their manuals! And his inspiration!

And he... HE HIMSELF! The Blinch gave the general evaluation!